when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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