Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
