I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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