I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You pole danced in your parka.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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