I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
