Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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