Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
