Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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