I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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