I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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