don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
