The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just had sex bonerless
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
