i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
