I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
