Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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