wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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