I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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