okay pat passed out under dana's car
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm always down for nudity.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
