No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
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Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"