Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker