one two three fourrrrnication!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
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he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
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Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.