Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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