You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet