i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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