My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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