Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
