I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
