I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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