theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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