Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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