can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
