Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
