I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
