I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
