Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
