do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think i have two assholes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
