y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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