It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
