just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
