I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Someone signed my nipple.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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