I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
