Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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