So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
