I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
