so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
