i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
