I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
