Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
