if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
