what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
