I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
