i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
