That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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