And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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