We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
