It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
