I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
