Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
