Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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