Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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