Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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