they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The air was thick with penises
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
