Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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