She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im holly from the hills drunk
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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