Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
