He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You dont lie about slip and slides
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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